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Lara (aka the real-life Jerri Blank) sent me this:

i was at the bon yesterday and all THREE women in the sock department had HUGE grody mustaches. i am thinking about puttin a complaint in the suggestion box.

Shane, on Justin Timberlake saying the Super Bowl gaffe with Janet Jackson was an accident: "Justin Timberlake does not make mistakes onstage."

Megan, during high school homecoming week when cheerleaders wore huge chrysanthemums pinned to their shirts: "Those fucking flowers are as big as their empty heads."

My brother John has too many good quotes to count, but I�ll go with "Lately I�ve been working my black ass off."

Cousin David has been Not With Us for nine years now, but I remember he was very smart alecky in the most charming way and looked like Rob Lowe and could sing the Dapper Dan song really fast.

Look at this survery Carrie and Rachel wrote about 3 years ago as a reaction to all the post-9/11 chain emails with crying bald eagles.

Hi pal! Fill out this survey and send it to everybody! Me included. If you do not fill out this survey and send it to lots of people, starving children will die instantly, as will the innocent puppies and baby duckies they keep as pets. Discrimination, sweatshops, cockfighting, and Kathie Lee Gifford will continue to function forever. The sky will crack open and it will rain daggers and pee, respectively. Bald eagles will cry. Oh, and you'll never have any good luck again, or any friends either. So, you might want to do it.

1. Would you like the chicken or the fish?
2. What's your favorite excuse?
3. Have you ever sat on food accidentally? (describe)
4. If you could sleep with any animal, what would it be?
5. Have you seen my keys?
6. Celebrity dream date:
7. What's the worst movie you've ever seen?
8. Do you ever pick your toes?
9. Do you ever experience pain while urinating?
You might want to get that checked out.
10. How funny are monkeys?
11. Is this a pimple or a boil?
12. Who is a slap in the face to the music world?
13. Who is on your revenge list?
14. How would you like those eggs?
14.5. Do I smell eggy?
15. When you sing loudly in the car and pretend no one can see you, what do you sing?
16. What is the most pathetic TV show you look forward to each week?
17. What was your lowest moment?
18. How many fingers am I holding up?
19. Where were you when Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock consummated their relationship?
20. Where were you when the Friends switched apartments (wasn't that dumb)?
21. Where were you when I was all coked up by the side of the road with Jackie the pimp hot on my trail and out for revenge? At home picking your toes, that's where you were. Asshole.
22. STORY PROBLEM
You're driving southbound with a quarter tank of gas. 5 miles north of you, a train is traveling westbound with 3/4 tank of coal. Meanwhile, a horse and carriage arrives from the southeast with 2 1/2 liters of hot cocoa and 2 bales of hay. Suddenly, your car swerves at a 45-degree angle to avoid a troll and lands in the path of the oncoming train. Uh oh! The horse and carriage has jack-knived, scattering the hay, jaunty driver, and delicious beverage all over your windshield. If the train is traveling at 58 meters per hour, your car decelerated at 80 miles per second, and the hot cocoa is traveling at 40 knots per hour whenthe vehicles collide, and you are transported inside the train, what is the probability that they will be serving the lasagna in the dining car?
23. Hey, ya got any gum?
24. Who would you rather be trapped in a meat locker with: David Lynch (eyeing you), Tom Jones (singing constantly), Rodney Dangerfield (cracking wise), or a cougar?
25. Don't you hate pants?
26. Say one nice thing about me.
27. Do you think I have a shot at Broadway?
28. Of the people you sent this survey to, who is most likely to become an unlicensed proctologist?
29. And finally: Who's your daddy?

You can leave a comment, or you can think it in your head.
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