2007-01-09
4:12 p.m.
Adam Carolla is killing me. I'm listening to an old Loveline and he's ranting and I wrote it all down, cause I�m weird like that. "That song Marc Anthony did blows humongous bungholes. I�m insulted that I�ve had to hear that song even once." "Drew went to Little Lord Fauntleroy�s School of Albino Hemophiliacs." "I know how tards think because I study them. I hide in the high brush and study the elusive tard." To a caller who has a Prince Albert: "I don�t get this genital piercing thing because I spend the better part of my day keeping sharp things away from my penis. I sleep with my junk in Tupperware." Drew: "I�ve never heard of anyone overdosing on caffeine."
Adam: "What about the original Juan Valdez? He OD�d on caffeine and they had to get a new one. Juan Valdez are like Lassies. There�s like thirty of these Mexican guys, you just gotta fit the suit and you can be the new Juan Valdez." "I have this one neighbor who thinks my hedge is too high so I got a note from the city about it. He can�t come over and say the hedge is too high, I gotta get served with papers. Here is what these people deserve: they deserve each other, living next door to them. Here is what it would take for me to head over to your house with a note. You would have to be on your roof, shirtless, firing flaming arrows into the roof of my house with full warpaint on, and even then I would let the first 25 arrows go before I came over with a note. There�s no stereo that�s loud enough, there�s no parking that�s egregious enough, you can�t hang your bumper far enough out into the street, there�s really nothing you could do that would make me want to come over to your house and contact you about anything. I could hear screams coming from your house 24 hours a day, you could be a combination of Rick James and Jeffrey Dahmer. There could be aircraft dropping kilos of heroin that landed on my lawn and I would just pick them up and throw them into your yard. I�m going to assume that I don�t like you in advance and I don�t want to come over there and talk to you. I�ve made it my whole life without ever calling the cops on a neighbor or ever putting a note on a windshield. Oh, the note on the windshield. I�ve had neighbors park in front of my garage and I go to drive somewhere and I say 'I'm going to give them half an hour to see if they�ll move it before I go over there.' All those kinds of people who put notes on windshields and call the cops about noise disturbances, they should go live next door to each other, you a-holes should all experience each other in your full a-hole glory. Can�t there be some kind of housing project called A-Hole Glory?"
To a disturbed youth: "Find Jesus Christ. You�re calling from Texas? He�s there. He�s there or he�s been there recently. I could pull up his tour dates for you."
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