2007-06-23
9:57 p.m.
Jerry, Rhonda�s dad, had no patience for fast foot. It wasn�t fast enough for him, he thought it should be instantaneous. When we were in 8th grade he�d pick us up from school in his hay baling truck which was an early �60s model seafoam green chevy and it looked like it might fall apart any second. Rhonda was super embarrassed to be seen in it but I didn�t care because it was her dad driving it, not mine. We�d get in and he�d say �Y�all want a paper bag to put over your head?� and then turn it on with massive rumbling and exhaust shooting out of the back. He�d drive while resting his elbow on the door and steering with one finger and sing �Off we go into the wild blue yonder. . .� Rhonda would yell �Dad! You�re stupid!� and he�d chuckle. (I don�t like that word but that�s exactly what he did: chuckle.) I was so impressed she could get away with calling her dad stupid, that would never fly at my house. He didn�t talk to me very much but he didn�t really talk much at all. If we went through a drive-thru he wanted to talk as little as possible.
�Fast� food drive-thru speaker: Welcome to Burger King, may I take your order?
Jerry: I want a hamburger.
BK: All right, what would you like on that?
Jerry: I just want a hamburger.
BK: But what would you LIKE on your hamburger, sir?
Jerry: I. Just. Want. A. HAMBURGER.
BK: Okay�you want lettuce, mayonnaise, and tomato on that?
Jerry would hit the gas and roar through the drive-thru (no cars were in front of us) and careen out into the street while the Burger King people stared after us. Rhonda was mortified. I was thrilled. My dad would NEVER do that!
Usually Rhonda would instruct me to get down on the floorboard (if we were in the backseat) when we�d go to the drive thru.
Jerry: I want a coke.
Wendy�s: Is Pepsi okay?
Jerry: (calmly) Nope.
ROAR * SCREECH * SURPRISED STARES * EMBARRASSED RHONDA * EXHILIRATED STEPH
Jerry preferred McDonald�s because they didn�t ask a lot of questions about how you wanted it cooked and what you wanted on it. We were in the McDonald�s drive-thru the first and last time I ever heard somebody call someone �ape balls.� We were probably nine years old.
Jerry: I want a coke.
McDonald�s: What size coke would you like, sir?
Jerry: I just want a coke.
McDonald�s: Okay sir, what size?
Jerry: (after a long pause) A. Coke.
McD: Uh�what size, sir?
Jerry: I just want a coke, ape balls!
McD: (long pause). . .Thank you, please drive through.
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