2007-01-23
12:02 p.m.
ACT ONE
Some people are passing around pictures of a lady's grandson. The lady
retired like ten years ago so only a few people know who she is.
Hammerhead: How come everyone else is looking at the baby pictures and not showing them to me?
Boss: Well, you don't know anyone in these pictures.
HH: I don't care. Give me the pictures.
*****
ACT TWO
Hammerhead: Look at the new wolf magnet I got. Look at the detail in
his face. Isn't that gorgeous? My daughter got it for me. She got a
lion figurine, and oh, you should see it. It is BEAUTIFUL. I just don't
know how they got such detail in the face. They must have done it by
hand. Its eyes are so piercing!
*****
ACT THREE
Hammerhead: I'm going down to the cafeteria to see if I want to be bad.
Nurse: What do you mean?
HH: I mean something that I shouldn't be eating because of my diabetes. Yesterday I didn't eat lunch or dinner. By the time I got to my union meeting I was starving. There was a man there who was eating french fries and I said to him, "You will give me one of those fries. Because if you don't, I will leap across the table and pry one from your cold, dead fingers." And he said "Oh, okay then!"
Nurse: You shouldn't go that long without eating. Especially if you're diabetic. And when you do eat you shouldn't eat sugar.
HH: Well, I just take extra insulin if I do. Every so often I get around it, you know? I just couldn't get up this morning. I screwed up my blood sugar again. After my union meeting I went to Albertson's, and they were having a sale on key lime pies. So I bought two and then I went home and had key lime pie for dinner. But I left enough of them so I couldn't say I ate them both.
*****
ACT FOUR
Hammerhead: Chocolate is good for me because it speeds up my metabolism.
Nurse: I don't know about that. It might give you nervous energy cause
of all the caffeine but I don't think it really speeds up your metabolism.
HH: No, trust me, it does. I just know.
Nurse: How do you know?
HH: [rolling her eyes] Because it CLEANS ME OUT! If you know what I mean.
*****
ACT FIVE
HH is having a bowl of spaghetti with extra garlic for breakfast. Enter
people to clean the carpets. They are using a really loud vacuum cleaner
and seem pretty focused. HH wants to interrupt them anyway.
HH: Hi! Hi!
Vacuumer guy: [turns off vacuum] Yes?
HH: You vacuuming?
Guy: Uh, yes I am.
HH: Well, I was just wanting to show you my new cell phone. It looks
gray most of the time, but it glints in the light!
Guy: Uh, that's neat.
HH: It rings the William Tell Overture! Oh, can you get this piece
of spaghetti I dropped on the floor? [As if she can't bend over and pick
it up herself.]
Guy: Um, sure.
HH: Thanks so much. I really appreciate it.
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