2007-01-18
11:01 a.m.
I walk past the break room and see 4 people sitting there trying to eat, while Hammerhead is standing at the head of the table talking. I enter to eavesdrop.
Hammerhead: ...and I saw him put 2/3 as much vegetables in my veggie omelet as he did in the regular omelet! And then he just covered it with cheese. I said, "Excuse me. You are not making it right." And he said "If you don't like it you don't have to buy it." I bought it anyway, but I shoulda called his bluff. I shouldn't go down there though, because I always get in trouble.
Carol: What were you doing down in the cafeteria anyway? I thought you were banned from it.
Crystal: How do you get banned from the cafeteria?
Carol: I don't know, ask HH.
HH: Yeah, I was banned because I complained about their poor service. That's what I did, and they told me I couldn't come back.
Me: Didn't you call the cashier an asshole?
HH: Yep! I sure did! And I would do it again!
*****
Hammerhead summoned me to her desk to discuss her new pants, while I stood in direct line of her fan, which was blowing her hot dog smell right at me.
HH: I think I'm really going to like these pants. They've got pockets! But I hate this drawstring thingy around the waist.
Me: Just pull it out and throw it away.
HH: Oh, I can't throw anything away. Here's what I do with pants drawstrings: instead of throwing em in the poopercan, I collect them all and braid them together and make a cat toy out of �em!
*****
Hammerhead: Where's the PACU? I want to go see it.
Nurses: Uh...that's the post-anesthetic care unit. You can't just go up there.
HH: But there's a sign in the doctors' lounge for a spaghetti feed on that floor.
Nurse: That's a special dinner in honor of a chronically ill patient. It's only for the doctors who know the patient, they're the only ones who can go.
HH: Then why'd they put the sign up for everyone to see? I'm going. I want spaghetti.
*****
Today HH is wearing a shirt with leopard-print sleeves and pictures of leaves all over the front. Cougars are peering from behind the leaves. Their eyes and whiskers are made of gold beads.
HH: This weekend I got $513 worth of clothes for only $126! I went to Catherine's Womens World and I got this shirt, and some gold pants that I'll wear tomorrow, and some pants with lions and giraffes all over them. And I tried on a fancy white suit that was size 4X, and it was too big for me but there were women in the store who wear that size so I thought
"Oops! Better get back in my dressing room before I make them all jealous." Anyway, I got a 25% discount because I modeled the clothes.
Me: You modeled them?
HH: Yeah, you know, I put them on and walked around for people and got the discount. I must have tried on clothes for an hour that first day, then I left in the middle of the union picnic the next day to try more on. Oops! I did not say picnic! I meant CELEBRATION. Cause, you know, you can't say picnic anymore.
Me: You can't?
HH: Well, you know where the word picnic comes from, don't you? [She is clearly hoping to tell me the whole story.]
Me: [lying] Yeah.
HH: Well, then you know why we can't say it at our union meetings. Cause most of our union members are predominantly, you know...[she whispers]...BLACK. But they always forget and say picnic too!
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