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2005-11-03
6:54 p.m.

I've been an absentee blogger. I've been busy being in Texas and having Halloween. We didn't dress up. We are old and crochety. Actually I looked for good southern baptist costumes in Texas but decided it would be too much work and would require new luggage to haul it all back on the plane. I found some sweaters though, boy did I find some sweaters. They had little stuffed worry dolls SEWN ONTO the sweater 3-D style on a background of Christmas wreaths.

When we flew up there it our plane left at midnight and both our kids had fevers. I've never been so stressed out. They did so well though that at the end of the flight the lady behind us said "I didn�t even know there were kids on this flight." Yeah! It was 6 am in Dallas when we landed and were blinded by the sunrise on the whole drive to Wichita Falls. We arrived at my parents� palacial lair to find them gone (to Virginia to tour Civil War battlefields) and had left an amusing booklet on how to handle the house while they were gone. "Don�t feed the cat more than ONE SCOOP of food per day or else he will barf on the floor - no joke." "Put the dishes in the dishwasher or else Luisa will spend her time cleaning them and it�s not necessary. Pick up all toys as well so she will have clear surfaces to vacuum." "Don�t let the kids walk on the pool cover. It�s supposed to hold an elephant, but we haven�t tried it." I wrote a snarky blog entry about how mad my parents make me, then the internet failed. I saved the document to desktop (dumb!) and rebooted, and it freaking crashed. No internet for the duration of the trip, plus if they salvage the computer my entry talking about my parents will come right up.

For entertainment we made lots of trips to Wal-Mart and Target. Target is considered the less skanky of the two; Wal-Mart is where all the "beat your butt" people go, as my mom calls them. We needed new music and finally decided on Kings of Leon found at Target since there were no specialty music stores within a 200 mile radius. I wish I could take everyone I know to The Branding Iron. It's this windowless dive in the part of town where they shot The Last Picture Show and they have barbecue and huge slabs of ribs for $2 and rolls of paper towels on the tables and buckets of peanuts in the shell where you toss the shells on the floor. I wanted to take the sauce home with me but had no bottling apparatus. I can�t believe spellcheck didn�t flag the word bottling. It flags the word spellcheck.

You should know that everything is bigger in Texas. I got nachos at one place and each nacho chip was half of a whole tortilla. Chip. Like a tortilla the size of a dinner plate, cut in half, except it was a fried chip. Drinks were huge! Huge I say. A pack of Marlboros is $2.99. The bugs are gigantic and almost every single one of the little Hispanic kids is rather beefy.

We went to see Elizabethtown and it was so painfully unlikeable that we walked out of it after an hour so save yourself $9 and having to watch a bunch of sucking. The story was so dumb and scattered and didn't draw you in the least bit and Tom Petty was played to manipulate your emotions (into the great wide open! Hey, this movie makes me feel good)and Kirsten Dunst brandished her curiously sharp-looking teeth and said dumb shit like "I will miss your lips and everything attached to them." Ahhhhh

We got pulled over outside Seymour for going 72 in a 70. We had a nice chat and he gave us a warning. (In the infraction part he wrote "a little over 70.") I told Heather Belle and she said "Who pulled you over?" I looked at the warning and said "Groves" and she said "Oh, he married my principal�s daughter!"

Then Heather Belle�s wedding was on Saturday and it was gorgeous. Outdoors, afternoon, fall-themed, wheat garlands. I know that once you use the word class you don�t have any so I will say it had the perfect amount of taste and swank. Heather Belle didn't have a veil but instead a wrap and a tiara. Lucy the basset hound was the Dog of Honor and was walked down the aisle by Heather's mom Pattie and her leash was covered in the same fabric as the bridesmaid dresses and also a matching collar. The reception had a big fondant cake and chocolate fountain for dipping strawberries. Then later everyone put on hoe-down clothes and there was another reception with country dancing and the hugest spread of catered bbq ever in the world. The guy who sang at the wedding (he sang "I Will Be Here" by Steven Curtis Chapman!) looked so gay, David was like "that's a gay, gay man right there. "I said "he's a music minister at a church in Lubbock and has a wife and 3 kids" and David said "they always do." Heather confirmed later that he's an admitted gay leading a straight lifestyle. His hair is prematurely white and I think that's why. So congratulations Heather Belle and Dave! Tomorrow morning if you wake up and the future is unclear...I-I-I-I-I, I will be here.

Guess who is starting to bug me as much as Jennifer Love Hewitt and Elijah Wood do? That�s right, Jake Gyllenhaal. I can�t quite explain it but I think he deserves a huge wedgie.

Carrie sent me these poorly named websites:

�Who Represents?, a database for agencies to the rich and famous:
www.whorepresents.com

�The Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views:
www.expertsexchange.com

�Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:
www.penisland.net

�Need a therapist? Try:
www.therapistfinder.com

�There is an Italian Power company:
www.powergenitalia.com

�Finally we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
www.molestationnursery.com



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stepha � 2006