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2004-10-18
9:29 a.m.

Last night I told my mom that we had already voted by absentee ballot.

She said �Oh, don�t even tell me who you voted for. Don�t even tell me.�

I said �David and I voted differently, actually.�

Mom (hopefully): �Did you cancel each other out?�

Me: �I don�t know. Neither of us voted for Bush, so don�t worry.�

(That was a joke right there. My mom thinks George W died for our sins. Maria Bamford could be talking about my mom when she says her own mom is �very religious which is interesting because she�s also very pro-war. Because that�s what Jesus would do. Smoke them out of their holes like the gentle carpenter. He only turns the other cheek to grab another can of whoop-ass.�)

Mom: �I don�t see how you can be married and vote for different people.�

Me: �David hates the two-party system so he votes libertarian and I don't have that much faith in the system so I vote democratic.�

Mom: �And you�re proud of that?�

Me: �I think Jesus was the ultimate bleeding-heart liberal.�

(This is an extremely foreign concept to my mother and I have to cut her a lot of slack here. I might as well have said that Jesus invented buffalo wings or something.)

Mom: �Ohhh no. No no no.�

Me: �He said to take care of the sick and the poor and the children.�

Mom: �Well�there are mentally ill people out there who don�t want to get better and they�re not helping themselves.�

Me: �Jesus didn�t say anything about that, he said to give freely of what you have and take care of the disadvantaged.�

Mom: �Well�I disagree with anyone who says that we shouldn�t go to war because if we lay down our arms I guarantee you our enemies would be camped out at the Mississippi River.�

Me: (still thinking about that hypothetical situation) �I wish that we hadn�t attacked Iraq because Iraq never made any threats against us.�

Mom: �But that�s where the terrorists live, and the government kills their own people.�

Me: �So we should just go in there and finish the job for them? We should have gone after the terrorists strategically instead of just bombing the crap out of innocent people.� (Good lord, I really sound crunchy.)

Mom: �But we had to free them from their government.�

Me: �But at what price?�

Mom: �Yeah, I know.�

And�scene. That actually went remarkably well as far as political discussions go with her. I feel as though she hasn�t ever thought about these things, she just swallows them because she lives in the Bible belt. I did the same thing for a long time too. It�s funny what a big role Christian culture tries to take in government, because the Bible says that our government is ultimately going to betray us. It says to give to Caesar what is Caesar�s, and that the government is going to screw us over.

So there�s a big motley tray of vegetables here in the orifice which is a strange sight first thing in the morning. It does not look good at 8:21 am when you walk in and see sugar snap peas for breakfast�gross.

I followed Carrie�s precedent and emailed this �alternative� radio station, the one that I�m usually bothered by but can�t bring myself to take off the speed dial just in case they�re playing something I like, and asked them to quit playing the Live song about placenta and while they�re at it to stop playing so much stuff from 1994-1996. Most every time I check they�re playing Toadies, Pearl Jam, Dave Matthews, Maroon 5 (not from 1995 but should still be punished), that Dead Eye Dick song, I can�t escape it! Well, I could, and that�s my problem. My email was futile because this morning I heard �The angel opens her eyes, pale blue colored eyes�!� I put Warm 106.9 on our speed dial or whatever you call it � program memory thingy. The other day they played �Right Here Waiting� and right after that �Stuck With You.� Now that�s good radio. David calls it Moist 106.9. They play a lot of Michael Bolton and Kenny G but what are you gonna do.

I think that when a telemarketer calls a good thing to say is �Do you mind if I defecate while I talk to you?� That�s what Lara said to me yesterday. For some reason, I sort of do mind. And a telemarketer would too.



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stepha � 2006