2004-01-12
9:24 a.m.
On Saturday I was walking in Fremont, going to Melissa's, and there was a man in front of Bulldog News asking for spare change. I told him "I'm sorry, I don't have any" and he said "Nice tits." So then I was pissed for awhile but I started wondering, maybe I should take a compliment any way I can get it. And if I can't give him money, should I at least let him ogle my breast-eses? Yes, his homeless ass can ogle, but he shouldn't say anything. That is the decision I arrived at. That is my contribution to the community. Our neighbor, Iain, is back from college in Alaska. He is 19 and he is delicious. He's not as yummy as my husband though, for real. If husband was my neighbor I would stalk him like I want to stalk Iain, but I know husband pretty well and Iain is novel. Ha. You know how it is. Iain's novelty is really the only thing he has going for him, that and the fact that he looks just like a young Sting, but I feel like Mrs. Robinson when I see him chopping wood in the yard. "Hello, Benjamin." He probably thinks I'm really old since I'm married and have a kid. Our landlord, Nancy, is 52 and she told me "Iain is only in town for a few days so we have to do all our looking at him while we can." It's like we're dirty old men. Did you see the Surreal Life last night? It was the first episode and it was the most brilliant television ever. Tammy Faye Bakker, Vanilla Ice, Ron Jeremy and Trishelle from the Real World are all living in a house together! (There are other people too but I forget who they are.) Trishelle asked Ron Jeremy how many women he had slept with, and he said "Four or five thousand." She said "That's disgusting!" and he said "Okay, four thousand." And Vanilla Ice was cussing a bunch and Tammy Faye said "Where do you get all those words?" He said "It's a form of self expression! It gets my anger out" and she said "When I'm really mad, I can get it all out with just one 'crap.'" Time to work.
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