2007-02-25
11:17 p.m.
Here lies my Oscar viewing experience. Characters: Becca, Amy, Carrie and me. Food: Cheese log, hummus, Carr�s water biscuits, Peeps, oatmeal raisin pecan cookies, chocolate covered marshmallow eggs and Alberta Sours. Since the show wasn�t entertaining enough I also took notes on what we all were saying.
6:08 pm
Some Dutch lady comes up to accept some award.
Amy: �What if they don�t speak much English?�
Carrie: �Then they don�t say 'I don�t speak much English' and then they ramble on and on and on.�
6:17 pm
There�s a Heather Locklear ad for L�Oreal Preference.
Carrie: �I�ve got a preference: for you to shut the hell up!�
6:24 pm
The sound effects choir makes crackling, whirring and wind-blowing noises.
Carrie: �I think I�ve found what I want to do in life.�
6:31 pm
The award for sound editing is given.
Becca: �Can they sound edit a better speech over this one?�
6:44 pm
Cue the dance troupe.
Amy: �A dance troupe? They�re just rolling around on the floor.�
Carrie: �It�s light tumbling!�
7:02 pm
Tom Hanks presents an award.
Amy: �I thought he was dead! Maybe that was just wishful thinking.�
Becca: �He has been mercifully quiet lately.�
7:05 pm
The guy who wrote The Departed wins something.
Amy: �Look at his hair. Just washed, clearly.�
Carrie: �I want that hair.�
Me: �It looks like it smells good.�
Amy: I bed it smells like a woodland forest!�
7:27 pm
The special effects award.
Amy: �Oh my God, have you seen the giant multi-colored octopus they found in the Antarctic? Well, it�s PRETTY COOL!�
7:31 pm
Faye Dunaway is in the audience.
Carrie: �Terrible dress. I don�t care who she is.�
Naomi Watts stutters a lot.
Amy: �Well, English is her second language.�
7:47 pm
Best editing award. BO-RING. I list my favorite dresses of the evening, in order:
1. Rachel Weisz
2. Eva Green
3. Gwyneth
4. Reese
7:49 pm
Jerry Seinfeld tells a long story.
Carrie: �What are you talking about? Shut up.�
7:52 pm
Al Gore wins something. Everyone onstage wants to clap him on the back and lean on him.
Carrie: �Everyone�s all buddy-buddy with Al tonight.�
The guy accepting the award along with him gushes embarrassingly about how inspiring Al Gore is.
Amy: �Just suck his dick and get it over with!�
7:56 pm
Amy: �If I eat anything more I�m gonna barf.�
Carrie (standing up): �I�m gonna keep eating.�
Amy: �I wonder what barfed-up chocolate covered marshmallows look like?�
8:01 pm
Celine Dion sings.
Me: �Neighhh.�
Becca: �Seriously. I hate her arm motions.�
Carrie: �She looks like Jennifer Aniston.�
8:06 pm
Clint Eastwood thanks his wife and the camera pans to her.
Carrie: �WOOF.�
8:11 pm
The guy who did the music for Babel accepts his award. He says �I wanted it not to sound like the music for a National Geographic film�
Carrie: �Ha! Nice try, asshole.�
8:45 pm
The camera keeps panning to bald Jack Nicholson, grinning senselessly. Carrie speaks for us all when she says �What is he doing? He embarrasses me.�
8:48 pm
The Who-Died-This-Year montage begins.
Me and Amy shriek in unison: �Don Knotts is dead?!�
8:55 pm
I just think that Helen Mirren is the CUTEST.
9:02 pm
The DVR falters momentarily during Best Actor. We nervously glance at Amy to see if she�s messing with the remote.
Amy: �Don�t look at me, it�s fuckin Comcast!�
9:07 pm
George Lucas, Steven Spielberg and some other really rich dude come out onstage.
Amy: �George Lucas looks like he�s got a fake body. His head is just pivoting on top of it.�
Carrie: �He looks photoshopped.�
9:08 pm
Scorsese wins at long last.
Carrie: �He won the Susan Lucci Memorial Award.�
Amy: �I can�t look at George Lucas anymore. That neck! That neck!�
9:14 pm
The Departed wins Best Picture.
Carrie: �I feel nothing.�
Becca: �Me either.�
9:16 pm
Ellen, Jodie Foster and Queen Latifah are all in one shot.
Amy: �It�s like the year of the dyke.�
9:17 pm
Amy: �I really enjoyed Ellen as my host. I feel like I went on an Oscar journey.�
9:19 pm
It�s finally over. An animated penguin sits in the front row, then Cameron Diaz is shown in her paper-towel-esque dress.
Amy: �I�d rather look at a penguin than Cameron Diaz in that stupid fuckin outfit.�
And that�s the end!
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