Here lies my Oscar viewing experience. Characters: Becca, Amy, Carrie and me. Food: Cheese log, hummus, Carr’s water biscuits, Peeps, oatmeal raisin pecan cookies, chocolate covered marshmallow eggs and Alberta Sours. Since the show wasn’t entertaining enough I also took notes on what we all were saying.
Some Dutch lady comes up to accept some award.
Amy: “What if they don’t speak much English?”
Carrie: “Then they don’t say 'I don’t speak much English' and then they ramble on and on and on.”
There’s a Heather Locklear ad for L’Oreal Preference.
Carrie: “I’ve got a preference: for you to shut the hell up!”
The sound effects choir makes crackling, whirring and wind-blowing noises.
Carrie: “I think I’ve found what I want to do in life.”
The award for sound editing is given.
Becca: “Can they sound edit a better speech over this one?”
Cue the dance troupe.
Amy: “A dance troupe? They’re just rolling around on the floor.”
Carrie: “It’s light tumbling!”
Tom Hanks presents an award.
Amy: “I thought he was dead! Maybe that was just wishful thinking.”
Becca: “He has been mercifully quiet lately.”
The guy who wrote The Departed wins something.
Amy: “Look at his hair. Just washed, clearly.”
Carrie: “I want that hair.”
Me: “It looks like it smells good.”
Amy: I bed it smells like a woodland forest!”
The special effects award.
Amy: “Oh my God, have you seen the giant multi-colored octopus they found in the Antarctic? Well, it’s PRETTY COOL!”
Faye Dunaway is in the audience.
Carrie: “Terrible dress. I don’t care who she is.”
Naomi Watts stutters a lot.
Amy: “Well, English is her second language.”
Best editing award. BO-RING. I list my favorite dresses of the evening, in order:
1. Rachel Weisz
2. Eva Green
Jerry Seinfeld tells a long story.
Carrie: “What are you talking about? Shut up.”
Al Gore wins something. Everyone onstage wants to clap him on the back and lean on him.
Carrie: “Everyone’s all buddy-buddy with Al tonight.”
The guy accepting the award along with him gushes embarrassingly about how inspiring Al Gore is.
Amy: “Just suck his dick and get it over with!”
Amy: “If I eat anything more I’m gonna barf.”
Carrie (standing up): “I’m gonna keep eating.”
Amy: “I wonder what barfed-up chocolate covered marshmallows look like?”
Celine Dion sings.
Becca: “Seriously. I hate her arm motions.”
Carrie: “She looks like Jennifer Aniston.”
Clint Eastwood thanks his wife and the camera pans to her.
The guy who did the music for Babel accepts his award. He says “I wanted it not to sound like the music for a National Geographic film”
Carrie: “Ha! Nice try, asshole.”
The camera keeps panning to bald Jack Nicholson, grinning senselessly. Carrie speaks for us all when she says “What is he doing? He embarrasses me.”
The Who-Died-This-Year montage begins.
Me and Amy shriek in unison: “Don Knotts is dead?!”
I just think that Helen Mirren is the CUTEST.
The DVR falters momentarily during Best Actor. We nervously glance at Amy to see if she’s messing with the remote.
Amy: “Don’t look at me, it’s fuckin Comcast!”
George Lucas, Steven Spielberg and some other really rich dude come out onstage.
Amy: “George Lucas looks like he’s got a fake body. His head is just pivoting on top of it.”
Carrie: “He looks photoshopped.”
Scorsese wins at long last.
Carrie: “He won the Susan Lucci Memorial Award.”
Amy: “I can’t look at George Lucas anymore. That neck! That neck!”
The Departed wins Best Picture.
Carrie: “I feel nothing.”
Becca: “Me either.”
Ellen, Jodie Foster and Queen Latifah are all in one shot.
Amy: “It’s like the year of the dyke.”
Amy: “I really enjoyed Ellen as my host. I feel like I went on an Oscar journey.”
It’s finally over. An animated penguin sits in the front row, then Cameron Diaz is shown in her paper-towel-esque dress.
Amy: “I’d rather look at a penguin than Cameron Diaz in that stupid fuckin outfit.”
And that’s the end!
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