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2007-02-25
11:17 p.m.

Here lies my Oscar viewing experience. Characters: Becca, Amy, Carrie and me. Food: Cheese log, hummus, Carr’s water biscuits, Peeps, oatmeal raisin pecan cookies, chocolate covered marshmallow eggs and Alberta Sours. Since the show wasn’t entertaining enough I also took notes on what we all were saying.

6:08 pm
Some Dutch lady comes up to accept some award.
Amy: “What if they don’t speak much English?”
Carrie: “Then they don’t say 'I don’t speak much English' and then they ramble on and on and on.”

6:17 pm
There’s a Heather Locklear ad for L’Oreal Preference.
Carrie: “I’ve got a preference: for you to shut the hell up!”

6:24 pm
The sound effects choir makes crackling, whirring and wind-blowing noises.
Carrie: “I think I’ve found what I want to do in life.”

6:31 pm
The award for sound editing is given.
Becca: “Can they sound edit a better speech over this one?”

6:44 pm
Cue the dance troupe.
Amy: “A dance troupe? They’re just rolling around on the floor.”
Carrie: “It’s light tumbling!”

7:02 pm
Tom Hanks presents an award.
Amy: “I thought he was dead! Maybe that was just wishful thinking.”
Becca: “He has been mercifully quiet lately.”

7:05 pm
The guy who wrote The Departed wins something.
Amy: “Look at his hair. Just washed, clearly.”
Carrie: “I want that hair.”
Me: “It looks like it smells good.”
Amy: I bed it smells like a woodland forest!”

7:27 pm
The special effects award.
Amy: “Oh my God, have you seen the giant multi-colored octopus they found in the Antarctic? Well, it’s PRETTY COOL!”

7:31 pm
Faye Dunaway is in the audience.
Carrie: “Terrible dress. I don’t care who she is.”

Naomi Watts stutters a lot.
Amy: “Well, English is her second language.”

7:47 pm
Best editing award. BO-RING. I list my favorite dresses of the evening, in order:

1. Rachel Weisz
2. Eva Green
3. Gwyneth
4. Reese

7:49 pm
Jerry Seinfeld tells a long story.
Carrie: “What are you talking about? Shut up.”

7:52 pm
Al Gore wins something. Everyone onstage wants to clap him on the back and lean on him.
Carrie: “Everyone’s all buddy-buddy with Al tonight.”
The guy accepting the award along with him gushes embarrassingly about how inspiring Al Gore is.
Amy: “Just suck his dick and get it over with!”

7:56 pm
Amy: “If I eat anything more I’m gonna barf.”
Carrie (standing up): “I’m gonna keep eating.”
Amy: “I wonder what barfed-up chocolate covered marshmallows look like?”

8:01 pm
Celine Dion sings.
Me: “Neighhh.”
Becca: “Seriously. I hate her arm motions.”
Carrie: “She looks like Jennifer Aniston.”

8:06 pm
Clint Eastwood thanks his wife and the camera pans to her.
Carrie: “WOOF.”

8:11 pm
The guy who did the music for Babel accepts his award. He says “I wanted it not to sound like the music for a National Geographic film”
Carrie: “Ha! Nice try, asshole.”

8:45 pm
The camera keeps panning to bald Jack Nicholson, grinning senselessly. Carrie speaks for us all when she says “What is he doing? He embarrasses me.”

8:48 pm
The Who-Died-This-Year montage begins.
Me and Amy shriek in unison: “Don Knotts is dead?!”

8:55 pm
I just think that Helen Mirren is the CUTEST.

9:02 pm
The DVR falters momentarily during Best Actor. We nervously glance at Amy to see if she’s messing with the remote.
Amy: “Don’t look at me, it’s fuckin Comcast!”

9:07 pm
George Lucas, Steven Spielberg and some other really rich dude come out onstage.
Amy: “George Lucas looks like he’s got a fake body. His head is just pivoting on top of it.”
Carrie: “He looks photoshopped.”

9:08 pm
Scorsese wins at long last.
Carrie: “He won the Susan Lucci Memorial Award.”
Amy: “I can’t look at George Lucas anymore. That neck! That neck!”

9:14 pm
The Departed wins Best Picture.
Carrie: “I feel nothing.”
Becca: “Me either.”

9:16 pm
Ellen, Jodie Foster and Queen Latifah are all in one shot.
Amy: “It’s like the year of the dyke.”

9:17 pm
Amy: “I really enjoyed Ellen as my host. I feel like I went on an Oscar journey.”

9:19 pm
It’s finally over. An animated penguin sits in the front row, then Cameron Diaz is shown in her paper-towel-esque dress.

Amy: “I’d rather look at a penguin than Cameron Diaz in that stupid fuckin outfit.”

And that’s the end!


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