2007-02-15
10:23 p.m.
Bill has the best stories. I got him to tell me again about his Surprise Surgery Party and he said I could post it here. "I don't have time to tell it properly right now my honey nut cheerio
(although I've already pissed away a half hour)...oh god oh god oh
god...OK! Well this was back in the Hovel days (San Jose). Some day I'll show you
pictures of the HOVEL or better yet the movies in and around the hovel. Dried hamburger meat on the walls, chaos and carnage in all directions.....worse than a thrift store after an earthquake. And yet various roommates and girlfriends and I existed for almost a decade in this decayed dwelling. One day it was my birthday. The only plan was that my friend Jimmy was gonna take me to Original Joe's, my favorite restaurant ever. So we smoked some shit and went down to Joe's. I had some drinks and a great meal. We get back to the hovel and walk in the door and SURPRISE!!!!!!! Everybody I ever knew was there. I used to have a lot more friends. Then it was announced that this was a Surprise Surgery Party to remove a cevacious (sp) cyst that had been on my chest for about 2 years!!! (I had gone to Kaiser about a year before, certain it was cancer. Of course, being Kaiser I was there half a day before I even saw a doctor and then he barely glanced at the thing and diagnosed it as a benign cyst....speaking to me as if I was retarded for harboring malignant thoughts. When I asked about having it removed he threw up his hands and shouted WELL IF YOU REALLY WANT TO GO THROUGH ALL THE PAPERWORK AND GET ON THE LIST BLAH BLAH BLAH!!! By then I just wanted to get away and get out. At least I wasn't dying) Back to the hovel (my mother called it the huvvel). Jimmy (who was a medic in the Navy, which means he was not even up to the level of a nurse in real life) took me back to the back room where I honked down two rails of coke and took 2 shots of Wild Turkey. As I was doing this everybody was scrubbing up and sterilizing instruments and donning masks and gowns. The dining room table was covered with a clean sheet and somebody had a handheld light...oh yeah, that was for my old 8mm camera so that Gilbert the male model queer (who had the hots for me) could FILM this thing. This means I have the footage to prove that I do not lie. And Gilbert did a great job considering how primitive the equipment was. So, I'm layed out on the table. Jimmy and his cute little assistant (chicks) shave and sterilize the area. One "nurse" has the sole job of mopping his forehead which became damper and damper as this thing progressed. Jimmy pulls out a syringe and shoots the area with Novocain. I may have had another shot of Wild Turkey at that point. Then the actual operation began. It soon became evident that the thing was big below the surface. By the time it came out (captured in all its bloody glory on film) there was a sizable crater in my chest. Everything up to that point had gone fairly smooth, but the sewing up seemed to take an eternity. I saw the first flickers of worry and doubt on Jimmy's face as the thread kept breaking. Finally he switched to some stronger stuff and got me sealed up. Then the lights came up and I got up and was soon dancing and partying with a big gauze thing on my chest. Unbelievably there was no infection. The scar stayed with me for 20 years at least. We put the lump in a jar of alcohol and named it "Dad" for some reason. I don't know whatever happened to Dad. So that's the story of the Surprise Surgery Party. You still there?"
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