I just found a file of the Hammerhead (aka HH) emails so I�m going to assault you with what I endured. I can�t believe it but I actually kind of miss the old bat.

*****

Hammerhead: I should eat some real food. All I've eaten today is some cream cheese.

Me: Cream cheese? All by itself?

HH: Yeah. You know how I�m on Atkins? I bought a bag of 50 packets at Costco and I eat it like this, see? [She rips open a packet and squirts it into her mouth.]

Me: Oh. My. God.

HH: Hey, it doesn't have any sugar so LAY OFF.

[At the end of the day I saw the bag with two packets left in it, which means she at 48 packets of cream cheese that day.]

*****

From the safety of my office, I hear:

Hammerhead: What's that you brought, Bethany?

Bethany: Wasabi peas.

[Crinkle of cellophane and the familiar sound of HH's dentures smacking as she stuffs them in her mouth.]

HH: [gasping for air] Why are they so HOT?? [she's trying to spit them out]

Bethany [calmly eating her wasabi peas]: They have chinese mustard on them.

HH is scraping her tongue with a napkin when I walk out to where they are.

HH: Try these Stephanie! They're wasabi peas! Mmm, they're so good! Mmm! They have CHINESE MUSTARD on them! MMMM!

Me: No thanks.

HH: Eat one! Eat one!!

*****

HH gives the New Lady an erronious report that was apparently New Lady�s fault.

New Lady: What's this?

HH: You're supposed to see what you did wrong.

New Lady: [suddenly unhinged] WHO GAVE YOU THIS?

HH: [making her volume match New Lady's] DARLENE DID!

New Lady: I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT!

HH: WELL, IT'S NOT MY FAULT, GODDAMMIT!

[HH goes to fish something out of the recycle bin]

New Lady: DON'T STICK YOUR HAND IN THERE!

*****

HH: What's alopecia?

Me: Hair loss.

HH: SHHHHHHHHH! SHHHHHHHH! Now let me ask Sharon. Sharon, what's alopecia?

Sharon: I don't know.

HH: HA HA! Stephanie knew what it was right off the bat!

Sharon: So? I don't care.

HH: Stephanie must have watched the millionaire show last night.

Me: Actually, I never watch that show. Bugs me.

[HH pulls out a ziploc bag of bacon and puts an entire piece in her mouth.]

HH: [Chewing loudly] Well, last night this young mom went on - she was a single mom, working full time and going to school at nights - well, she went on and they asked her that question! And she got it right! She was SO COCKY. Then they asked her who the Sherriff of Nottingham's arch enemy was. [More bacon-y chewing.] And the choices were...Robin Hood...um...oh, I forget the next choice...then Robinson Crusoe...and...oh, I forget the other one. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT SHE SAID?? SHE SAID ROBINSON CRUSOE!! Even a child knows the answer to that question!!

[A nurse walks past and mutters to HH under her breath, "Jesus, SHUT UP."]

HH [not hearing her, still noisily chewing and spitting bacon shards onto the floor in her excitement]: It was because she was so cocky! That's why she lost! What a bitch!

*****

New Lady: Good morning!

HH [rudely ignorning her greeting]: What is this paper for?

New Lady [bending down to get in her face]: Did I hear good morning? Did I hear good morning?

HH: Yeah, good morning, what is this paper for?

New Lady: Well, that's more like it!

*****

[A Polish lady who doesn't speak a whole lot of English is receiving tutoring from HH in the art of data entry. She just timidly arrived and was accosted by both Hammerhead and the New Lady.]

HH [talking extra loudly in an attempt to bridge the language barrier]: Well, THERE you are. Have a seat!

[Lady sits down.]

New Lady: NO no no, she can't sit in that seat! Anne's still here! That's Anne's seat!

[Lady looks scared and stands back up.]

HH: NO, it's okay!

[Lady sits back down.]

New Lady: I don't think so, Anne's going to throw a fit! You get another chair!

HH to New Lady: YOU JUST GET OUT OF HERE AND LET ME HANDLE IT!

[New Lady stalks away.]

HH to Polish lady: Now sit down! Put your purse away! That's right, put it right here! NO, right THERE! That's a girl! There you go! Now type your name in this space.

[Polish lady studies the keys.]

HH: You don't know your name, huh? [She erupts with hacking wheezing laughter]

[At this point I put on my headphones cause I feel too sorry for the lady.]

*****

I need to look up a statistic on a computer that is in HH's corner. It's not her primary computer, and in fact is as much mine as it is hers, but she will not let me touch it when she is around.

Me: I just need to get something off this computer real quick.

[Instead of scooting over and letting me do it myself, HH stops what she's doing and whirls around.]

HH: HUH? What do you need exactly?

Me: Just to look at a screen. [The monitor is off so I turn it on.]

HH: What did you do??? You turned it off!

Me: It's making noise. [I move the mouse to turn off the screensaver.]

HH: IT'LL COME! IT'LL COME!

Me: It will now that I moved the mouse. [The screen comes up.]

HH: This computer has a BLACK SCREEN TENDENCY. Now what is it that you need?

Me: To find out how many product injuries we had in June.

HH: In the MONTH of June? In the MONTH of June ITSELF??