I am currently accepting resumes for the available positions in my entourage. Not to be confused with "Hangers-on", Entourage members have actual job responsibilities and duties, crucial to maintaining and promoting my image. The following positions are open.
Bodyguard
There are two basic types of bodyguard, the assassin, and the man-mountain. The assasin is noted not for his size or meanness, instead he has that insane 'I've seen things... I've done things" look in his eyes. Not that you can see his eyes, cause he never takes off his dark sunglasses. Not even in the shower. Not that I've ever showered with any creepy bodyguard types. The assasin is good for getting you through a crowd of crazed fans and into your limo with the minimum of actual human contact. The downside of the assasin is this: at some point your manager will disappear in a tragic boating accident, and the assasin will somehow be promoted from bodyguard to manager, and steal all your money. The Man-mountain is noted for being really, really big. That's it. He's usually a smiling affable fellow, and wouldn't harm a fly, but by virtue of being 7 feet tall and weighing in at 400 pounds, frightens the hell out of everybody in a 2 block radius. The Man-mountain is good for carrying you home after a long night of sordid partying, and not divulging any of your scandalous celebrity secrets, until you fire him. Then he'll write a tell-all book explaining in sordid detail that one time at Sundance, you OD'd on Oxycontin and woke up in bed with a bottle of shampoo wedged firmly in an uncomfortable orifice. Not that that's ever happened to Britney Spears...or P.Diddy for that matter.
Spiritual Advisor
Job duties include dispensing with valuable advice on all matters personal and public. Emphasis on making me feel less shame and guilt about scandalous celebrity behavior. Must be able to supply me with meaningless psychobabble quotations for interviews, and angry incoherent rants for public speaking engagements. Previous Kabbalah, scientology, federal prison, or Lauryn Hill experience a plus.
Posse Members
To qualify for this position, you and I must be lifelong friends of at least 3-6 months. Job duties include, procuring drugs and groupies, intimidating hotel staff, and members of the press, and maintaining appropriate level of beef with other celebrity entourages. Must be willing to take responsibility for any and all unregistered firearms in my possession. This is an unpaid internship position, and health insurance is NOT provided. Should you be stabbed, shot, or arrested while performing official Posse duties, you will be immediately fired and labeled as "soft" and/or a "narc". You will be allowed 2 unsupervised limo rides per month, sexual favors from any and all groupies I deem to be unworthy of my attentions, and unlimited minibar access. This position could lead to fulltime "sidekick" position.
Wife
Job duties include: looking hella good, going on shopping sprees, squabbling with unsuspecting groupies, and deflecting any and all rumors of my homosexuality. Must be able to give off air of total sexual satisfaction, to hide from public sad fact that due to my expensive cocaine/cristal habit, I haven't been able to perform sexually in quite some time. Barren womb preferred, but not required. Position may lead to lucrative full time "ex-wife" position.
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